Friday, December 5, 2008

Christmas Music

So, as soon as thanksgiving is over, it's all Christmas music all the time with Amber. In the car, at the house, and everywhere else. That's fine and all. Music is one of things people most enjoy about Christmas. But some artists think any piece of audible garbage put down on a Christmas album gets a free pass. They could not be more wrong. They could try, but they would fail.

So here are my top ten most HATED Christmas songs.

#10- "Feed the World" by Band-Aid, The song is awful, the artists are too full of themsleves, and the group name is a pun so lame its worry of a country song

#9- "Happy Christmas/War is Over" by Celine Dion, Lennon's original was passable but having this French Canadian wail it out as if it were "All By Myself" is misplaced at best and sonic assault at worst.

#8- "Christmas Shoes" by Newsong, when I was first told about this song I thought it was a joke. I see it as a slap in the face to all evangelicals. Just because I like Jesus doesn't mean I have no artistic standards.

#7- "Santa Baby" by Madonna, this song is only like three lines long then repeated over and over in the same whiny voice. Is that tone supposed to seductive? Cause its not. Why would I enjoy that anyway? Oooooh yeah, get the jolly fat old guy all hot and bothered! That's the stuff! Or am I supposed to find her blatant gold-digging humorous?

#6 "All I Want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey, take the title of the song, paraphrase it a couple of different ways, and you've probably got all the lyrics already. I hear this one the most on the satelite too. I think she thinks if you add jingle bells to the track a pop song its magically transformed into a Holiday standard. It must be a Christmas miracle!!

#5 "Ave Maria" by Harry Conick Jr., this one is a shame cause Harry otherwise makes a great X-mas CD. He's a complete miscast for a song like this. A crooner sings Ave Maria? Really? It reminds me of the Robert Goule skits on SNL. If I wanna hear it butchered I can go to any Catholic wedding. Guarunteed the bride's got at least 3 cousins all fighting over who gets the dubious honor.

#4 "Favorite Things" by Rogers & Hammerstein, this one's a nod to Amber. It's a good song don't get us wrong. But it is not a Christmas song at all. You'll notice its the middle of the summer in the musical when they sing it.

#3 "Sing Noel" by Some Children's composer, doesn't popular airplay but its still horrendous. And the fact that the CCC does it every year on regional TV is ten miles past embarrassing.

#2 "My Grown Up Christmas Wish" by anyone, I know what you're thinking. "Oh, but its on that Amy Grant CD!" Big whoop. A chick wishes for world-peace at X-mas. And folks in hell want ice cream. Asking for it like a gift under the tree completely misses the mark if you want to bark up that tree anyway. You want the world to be better? Well you can't change human nature, but you can change your own actions. If you want a REALLY bad version though, check out Kelly Clarkson's errrr.....attempt at it.

#1 "Where are You Christmas" by Faith Hill, no explanation neccessary. Its so bad I can't even attempt to mock it.


Candace Chaney said...

Oh, my! I don't even know what to say. LOL. Nothing like a good ol' dose of cynicism for the holidays!!!! :) Love you, Bro!

Jack said...

How dare you?

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There's just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is...

Jennifer said...

DOn't mind them, Jonny! I love your post! It was right on the mark, especially Harry Connick. Jr. on Ave Maria.

I do have a special place in my heart for Mariah though. It was one of the first songs that I had to do at Middle Magnet with the "show choir". It was a "tradition." You know how that goes.

Anonymous said...

My sentiments exactly. I know what you mean about those Catholic weddings I have butchered a few myself usually due to the accompanist or the "string quartet".You think Harry is bad at Ave Maria, try the Jewel version of the Bach/Gounoud Ave Maria. I know you were kind of a Jewel fan but this one is not so great!

Rendi said...

This is funny...but how in the world did 'I want a hippo for Christmas' not make the list?? :)